cuma katarsis

Referring to someone’s comment on a former post : YES, I am one of the people who answers and reposts bulletins. which is really the catalisator of my writing the former posted blog. It wasn’t a critic to other people, it included me as part of the people. In a way, I see these bulletins as a tool. I saw that most people (include me in it if you like), are using these bulletins as a media to express themselves either anonimously or recklessly.

sometimes the topics of these bulletins are just downright ridiculous. and for certain members of society who doesn’t have the privilege of being able to act ridiculously in everyday life, answering and posting these bulletins are a great and cheap outlet for their perhaps rarely used frivolity. for others, perhaps lonely people, these bulletins are an aid to attempt reaching others in the hope of achieving human contact. perhaps it is the safest way of putting themselves on a limb, trying to be funny for some, trying to be serious for others, trying to be honest, to look perfect, and perhaps other goals I haven’t thought of.

Perhaps now there’s a question about the safety I mentioned beforehand. Why? It’s safer because bulletins rarely go noticed. people don’t give too much a damn about your answers and the truthfulness of it, people read it for amusement. and in the end, aren’t we all actually performers at heart? And we are also afraid to take risks. So if there are things that we don’t have the guts to say in real life, perhaps the bulletin board proves to be more beckoning.

Apart from my overanalyzing the situation, I simply use bulletin boards and blogs as a catharsist. Read it if you like, ignore it if you want. It’s really just words.

pupur dan gincu

matahari perlahan tampak dan embun menipis, lalu perempuan mengawali hari. ritual mini untuk bentuk persepsi, penataan citra diri.

diputihkan kulitnya (bahasa halusnya; pencerahan). agar ia terlihat bersih. dimerahkan pipi dan bibirnya. agar ia terkesan segar. dia lukis wajahnya, pasang topeng untuk peran hari ini. hari esok dan kemarin membawa topeng yang berbeda.

perempuan konsumsi massa, sesuaikan citranya bagi semua mata. pembodohan atas logika. pembodohan atas rasa. jalani hari dengan penipuan. karena manusia senang ditipu.

ketika matahari tak tampak lagi, maka tirai pentas hari diturunkan. pertunjukan berakhir dan saatnya tiba kembali jujur pada diri. lepas topeng perlahan sedikit demi sedikit, dan pertanyaan-pertanyaan membanjiri seketip sel abu-abu di balik paras. ketika pemirsa tiada, siapa saya?

………tulisan ini terpicu oleh banyak hal. yang pertama, kenapa ya perempuan suka sekali mempercantik diri? lebih besar alasan pribadi atau lebih karena tuntutan budaya dan masyarakat? yang kedua, kenapa ya, perempuan seringkali lebih suka menempelkan identitasnya pada entitas di luar dirinya? mungkin tulisannya jadi nggak fokus dan merembet kemana-mana, tapi mungkin memang gue belum menangkap esensinya keperempuanan? oh iya…terpicu juga oleh beberapa komentar yang mengatakan bahwa tingkah laku gue kurang perempuan. maka gue jadi bingung, apa yang disebut perempuan? ada yang bisa jawab?

…AKUSUKA…

aku suka suara daun kering di bawah sepatuku, gemerisik sayup yang goda telinga

aku suka suara kerupuk yang baru dimandikan kuah, perkusi tanpa nada yang mampu bangkitkan rasa

aku suka rasa cokelat pahit, sebuah paradoks mini ketika manis menjadi subyektif

aku suka rasa es krim di lidahku, kejutan yang mengajak aku tersenyum

aku suka bau daun teh yang baru direbus, kuhirup hingga habis penuhi jiwa

aku suka bau rumput sehabis hujan gerimis, kegembiraan mereka yang terpuaskan dahaganya

aku suka selisipkan jari di sela rambut tebal, permadani yang sembunyikan seribu rahasia

aku suka dibasuh air mengalir, hapuskan semua yang tak bersih dan kembalikan aku jernih

aku suka matahari yang menyelisip dari balik pohon, mengajak bermain dengan sinarnya

aku suka warna hijau cerah, keteduhan instan yang beri aku perlindungan

aku suka hidup. Meski tak selalu ku ingat itu.

just the beginning

Finally, after four and a half years spent in classrooms staring into space, talking about some random obscure thing, and the occasional learning…after six months of staring at something black printed on something white without being able to comprehend some sort of coherence in it… after almost one year of neurotic anxiety, random bursts of determination and certain periods of staying up all night trying to make sense of my own thoughts and putting it into writing… after racking my brains trying to find the exact way to make readers understand what i’m trying to say… after several weeks of agitation and breakdowns… two bloody hours trying to explain what i mean…

finally… this phase is over for me. finally, I can add those four letters behind my name : S.Psi.

not to say that this is the end. not meaning to make this a glorified happy ending.. just the opposite. this is just another step. still have a long road to go. damn. but hey, where would the fun of living be if i said i’ve reached an end (happy as it may be) ?

kuning

ingin aku berlari telanjang kaki kutendangkan ke atas hingga tanggal sepatuku, terbang melayang menimpa kepalamu.

kamu berteriak, terkejut dan marah,

tapi tak terdengar olehku.

aku sudah jauh,

sibuk dengan tanah dan debu meresap di antara jemari bersama gembiraku,

sibuk dengan angin yang sentuh setiap jengkal kulit dan keberadaanku,

sibuk hirup udara dan hidup.

aku terus berlari hingga entah dimana

terus hingga seberangi benua, seberangi samudera

terus hingga tanah ini akrab sudah denganku

terus hingga tak ada lagi yang baru.

lalu aku berkata cukup.

best imitation of myself

i feel like a quote out of context, witholding the rest

(best imitation of myself, by Ben Folds Five)

why is it that people tend to try so hard to make people see them as they wish to be seen? why can’t we realize that these charades bring forth only two outcomes, both as undesirable as the other? it’s just the lesser of two evils :

1. you carry on life with your own script, when actually others read between the lines where the truth actually lies.

2. you fabulously deceive others with your remarkable acting that they actually believe it’s you they’re interacting with.

there is no way of being truthful that eliminates any chance of getting hurt. there is no way to connect without being truthful. so is being disconnected the answer? try to lie to yourself about that. how silly that a bulletin brings forth these answers.

1. Ketika lo marah,apa yang akan lo lakukan?
tahan, tahan, tahan, lalu biarkan meledak semua jadi serpihan bunga api

2. Ketika lo sedih,apa yang akan lo lakukan?
pura-pura nggak sedih

3. Ketika lo menyadari kekurangan lo?
pura-pura nggak sadar

4. Ketika lo menyadari kelebihan lo?
gunakanlah untuk menolong orang lain..

5. Ketika seseorang menyatakan cinta ke lo?
mencoba falsifikasi

6. Ketika lo menyadari kalo lo jatuh cinta?
terjun bebas

7. Ketika lo menyadari kalo lo sakit hati karna cinta?
pura-pura nggak

8. Ketika lo menyadari kalo orang yang lo cintai itu mempermainkan lo?
pura-pura nggak cinta

9. Ketika lo menyadari kalo lo cuma dimanfaatin orang?
senyum pahit

10. Ketika lo menyadari kalo lo menyakiti orang
yang lo cintai?

be numb…

11. Ketika lo menyadari kalo lo ketemu soulmate lo?
smile

12. Ketika lo menyadari apa arti cinta yang sesungguhnya?
saatnya memutuskan, untuk mencinta atau tidak

13. Ketika lo menyadari kalo lo kehilangan orang yang lo sayang dan dia nyakitin lo?
say goodbye. pura-pura nggak sakit.

14. Ketika lo ga bisa melakukan apa2 lagi di dunia ini?
nggak mungkin

15. Ketika lo menyadari klo lo ga ada lagi di dunia ini?
what else to do but watch?

16. Ketika lo menyadari klo perasaan lo dipermainkan orang?
pura-pura ga merasa.

17. Ketika lo menyadari kalo lo mempermainkan perasaan seseorang yang sayang sm lo?
stop playing.

18. Ketika lo menyadari kalo lo merusak keadaan?
overcompensate

19. Ketika lo menyadari kalo lo punya sifat n sikap buruk?
and i try… to fix it

20. Ketika lo menyadari kalo Tuhan itu ga adil?
been there. realized fairness is a weird concept.

21. Ketika di dunia ini ga ada lg yang sayang sm lo?
hope i can still rely on myself

22. Ketika pikiran lo kosong?
biar insting yang mengatur

23. Ketika lo kangen seseorang?
bilang

24. Ketika perasaan lo ga’ enak?
tambah garam? merica?

25. Ketika lo menyadari siapa lo yang sebenarnya?
that would be great.

overlooking the obvious

ugh…today would be one of those days where I would sigh and grunt every several minutes or so.

sometimes, the tolls of life can burden itself on your shoulders as such that all you ever see is that thing sitting upon your shoulders. and you overlook the fact that your toll is chickenshit compared to other people’s problems. and you overlook the fact that beside you is a hand, helping you carry that weight… and you sigh, you grunt, you cast a curse on the world for the wretched life that you lead. and you forgot.

you forgot about the hand. you forgot that you’re in reality not alone, not so burdened, and not leading a wretched life at all.

sometimes I lose that objectivity in looking on my life and each moment, each event happening in it. sometimes I think that I am the only person that matters on earth. call me egoistical, call me selfish, call me histrionic. to me, my problem is that I am continually overlooking the obvious. call it defensive, call it denial. call it what ever you want. I don’t know what you’re talking about.